All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
