How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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