This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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