it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
