i need an iv and a liver transplant
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
