my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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