I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
