He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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