I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Randomize
