Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I lost the right to judge tonight
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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