Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
