Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
