Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
