I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
