yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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