she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
