I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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