You're completely useless in the revolution.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
