Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
