I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Randomize
