Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
being pregnant is like rehab
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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