i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
