This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
