i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
