I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Randomize
