I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
