Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
