i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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