Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
