the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize