My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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