worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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