Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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