I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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