I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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