He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
