K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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