i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
