Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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