just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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