he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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