if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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