He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
