you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
