I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
