No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
