If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
