I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
