I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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