In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
