I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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