She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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