It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
