i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
