I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
