my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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